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Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunter is filthy with witches. We've already established that. But just what sorts of witches are they? That's a more ticklish question.

Most of 'em are flat-out bad. So bad that we see them attempt to sacrifice children and others under a blood-red moon—the most unholy holiday these witches have seen for several years. And we know that that first witch Hansel and Gretel encountered loved to eat kids. Someone refers to the witches as "spawn of Satan."

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We later learn of the existence of the so-called white witches. They don't look ugly. They don't use their magic for evil. In fact, we rarely see them use magic at all. But we know that when they "bless" weapons, those weapons are far more effective on run-of-the-mill evil witches. And while practicing white sorcery still involves spell books and such, becoming a white witch is less a matter of choice and more a matter of heredity in Hansel and Gretel's world.

[Spoiler Warning] Which explains why the evil witches are so keen on capturing the sibs. Muriel hopes to make herself (and her sisters) invulnerable to fire (and thus nigh invincible), but to work this delicate piece of magic, she needs the heart from a "great white witch." Gretel is that witch, even though Gretel herself doesn't realize it until Muriel is actively trying to remove her heart from her ribcage.

Theologically, then, these witches are in a pickle. Sometimes they reflect a traditional Christian understanding of witchcraft. At others, they seem to embody a more naturalist understanding of magic, ever-so-slightly akin to Harry Potter. And then you've got elements of either a yin-yang or good vs. evil showdown—a battle between inherently light and inherently dark creatures that doesn't have much to do with "witchcraft," as typically understood, at all.

A man about to be killed by a witch says, "Please, God, no." To which the witch responds, "Even your God knows better than to come here." A woman crosses herself before getting shot. We see occult-looking texts and charts.
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What To Expect: Bruce Willis cameoing in truly dire DTV schlock to make a buck, can’t be bothered to learn his lines

 

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I dunno man.  I don’t know how much longer I can do it.  Sit through Bruce Willis’ money-grabbing DTV hoaxes.  “What is that?”  Well let me answer in further detail here.  Or to put it more succinctly, it’s when actors who have more money than they could ever really spend appear in really (really) awful DTV movies in extended cameos, where the entire production is based on whether or not they actually show up and work their 10 hours or so, which translates into mere minutes on screen.  Chances are they haven’t even read the script.  The producers then stick their faces on DTV covers and ship them to stores, to screw over older, less than tech savvy customers, who know and like Bruce Willis.  Here, Willis is at it again.  Shame on him.

What happens when a high concept story is given a low budget?  I’ll tell you what, the process results in unwatchable trash more often than not.  I’ll say it before and I’ll say it again, DTV movies need to stick to simple concepts executed to the best of their ability.  Vice Think Universal Soldier 3, or other movies that knew their own limitations.  In this movie, Bruce Willis is running a debauchery den where people can show up and fuck or even murder androids.  One of them escapes and suddenly develops its own consciousness. Then, cop Thomas Jane tries to use the walking blow-up doll to bring down Willis and his shady empire. The movie plagiarizes i-Robot, Universal Soldier and Jesus, even RoboCop.

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It’s bad man.  For 96 long gruelling minutes I was writhing in boredom and frustration.  Aside from the odious ‘message’ of female empowerment (those goddamned abusive men!),  it’s rammed to the hilt with clichés, with tension that doesn’t grip and intrigue that doesn’t interest.  The acting is atrocious with O-list actors wearing down the will to live, or continue watching at least.  Set aside Tom Jane, who as usual, goes to work and puts the hours in.  His character comes across as realistic, even if written atrociously.

Finally, a word on Bruce Willis.  Fuck you, man.  I’ll tell you how bad it is here – possibly worse than ever.  Why?  Because I spotted Bruce Willis visibly reading from a cue card!  I looked at his eyes panning from right to left as he was reading – what did I say about these people probably not even reading the script?  Willis has officially entered Steven Seagal territory.  You can almost feel the rushed schedule of Willis’ limited filming time happening right in front of you, spaced out over the movie to try and cover it up.  I don’t know how many minutes he is in there, but it certainly wouldn’t be more than 10.
This is my warning to anyone reading this.  Do not watch this movie and do not fuel Willis’ greed.  A slap in the fucking face!